Looking for a dating guide?

Anyone out there willing to be my guide and give me advice on how to find a girlfriend? Like say you e-mail me and say go to the mall and juggle for the ladies (which didn't work FYI) I'd come back and say "nope, doesn't work", and you would offer new advice or "yup it worked" and you would say ok now tell her that her eyes are like cheese wheels in the sky (also apparently not flattering). Any one up for the task?